brooklyn public library. the worst time to be here is now, around 3 or 4 o'clock when all the elementary and middle school kids get out, and come hang out. use the public computers for myspace.com. talk loudly over themselves, about shoes. i used to think that the library was a nice quiet place to sit down and read a book. i'm going back to long island tonight. my train leaves at 6:42 pm from flatbush to ronkonkoma. i feel very sick to my stomach. i was alright all day, really, until about an hour ago. i'm not happy. the events of my day are as follows: gregory and i woke from a banging on our door. the super. he came to fix the toilet and the shower leak. hoorah, right? wrong. i was stuck in the room, avoiding the commotion, for about two hours. the entire time, wishing i was taking a shower. i really had to use the toilet, too, but...there was no toilet. eventually, they finished up, but the faucet in the sink exploded water. and was smoking, sort of. we bathed, then got a cup of coffee at washington bagels. and here we are. greg, working on his comic. myself, dwelling on what a terrible trip back to long island i'm going to have. i'm not looking foward to it. i tried to think of what i'm really upset over. it's not my family, because i can't wait to sit and have a cup of coffee with all of them. it's not the doctors appointment, although it's a pretty serious visit. most likely resulting in surgery on my left breast, removing a cist. damn my cisty genes. so i came to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the trip itself, but more of my hatred for being alone. i hate being alone. i hate being alone on the train, i hate being alone on the bus, i hate being alone on the subway, and most of all, i hate being alone sleeping in bed at night. mike tells me that i should recognize that i don't need somebody else near me to make me happy. that i should realize that i am my own person. well, i know that. i am amanda bret labozetta. but for some silly reason, i prefer to be an extension of somebody else. i feel much more safe that way. jeff kennedy and nick came to visit last night. it was the first time i met nick. he's a nice person. and his cat is out-of-this-world adorable. i was so happy to see jeff's face. he made me laugh so hard that i cried. we live so close to eachother now, i'm glad. i love him. i'm watching the door to the auditorium right now, and the librarian who, moments ago, walked around the floor, waving a flyer about african dancing and suggesting everybody join, is participating. waving her arms around, scrunching her shoulders. it's amusing. made me smile for what feels like the first time today. but now i am not smiling anymore. i'm back to being sad and down on myself. i also had time to think of my trust in other people. i can trust a person very easily if they've never given me a reason not to. even if they've never given me a reason to trust them. but when that person betrays my trust, and hides things, i find it very difficult to trust that person again. i mean, i owe it to this person to trust them again, since it's already apparent in my actions that i do. very substantial things that i've done to make it seem that i have full conviction in this reinstated trust. but in my heart, i don't. i just can't let it go. for some reason, that small incident that caused my heart to sink completely into my stomach, it's still with me. if i had a belief in a higher power, i'd pray for the strength to trust a person after deceit. i have already found the strength to forgive. forgiving a person is the easy part. some days, i want to just disappear, and have nobody notice me anymore. somewhere, to the other side of the world. nobody would know my name. they'd say, "amanda who?" and i'd smile.